Entries 4,999

Page 5 of 200

if it weren’t for all my sacrilege I would have no rilege at all and if I had me a good slingshot there’d be one less Policeman’s Ball because I may be kind of tall but I cheer a Golia...

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Facebook puts really good looking people who you do not actually know into your “People You May Know” feed just to torment you. It doesn’t make you use Facebook more, though, it makes you want ...

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Head-canon that they’re not called “Pokemon” because they’re “pocket monsters” but because they mutated from eating poke bowls filled with mutagens from Monstano. Where the sperm starts, wher...

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We’d been waiting on it for weeks: my uncle’s yearly request for a Christmas tree. He’s a virtual shut-in due to mental illnesses, has lived on the third floor of my grandparents’ house nearly-fi...

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Why has there never been a crossover between the video games COMMAND & CONQUER and CONKER’S BAD FUR DAY? It seems like a gimmie, you guys. There should be more wedding receptions where pe...

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If you aim for the stars with the correct trajectory, you will quickly die in the frozen vacuum of space. If you aim for the stars and end up shooting the moon, you will quickly die in the froz...

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Injected myself with insulin, for the first time. Life goes on, I suppose, until such time as it no longer does. There’s a lot worse things to suffer, of course, of course, but it’s A Sign and on...

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If they tell you should smile more, turn around and run. If they naturally make you smile more, they’re the one, they’re the one. Having never seen Succession, I’m just assuming that’s the ma...

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Michael Cecconi of Little Falls, forty-four, shuffled off his mortal coil Monday December 4th, tumbling down three flights of stairs in a Victorian McMansion converted into a library while attemp...

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Basically, I’m just synthesizing like five memes here, but the solution to social media seems to be somehow monetizing the touching of grass. Why say “gunnery nunnery” when you could say “hol...

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you better watch out he’s going to cry he’s going to shout I’m telling you why Santa Claus has trouble regulating his emotions he’s making a list he’s checking it twice he’s checking it ...

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A Nintendo authorized whoopie-cushion called ZELDA: WIND FAKER. “LESS TEETH!” he howled “BUT NOT A TOTAL ABSENCE OF TEETH, EITHER!” The power of light rail as the driving technology of adve...

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A musical moderate is like “I believe the way you work it is adequate, the same amount of diggity, the same amount of diggity”. “Replacing an arm and a leg? That must have cost you a student ...

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The chestnut about travel being the great destroyer of prejudice because you see how everyone’s the same sadly isn’t universal. Fundamentally broken monsters like Trump or Musk or Columbus, the...

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While most can find a few traditions they enjoy associated with the American secular winterish holidays, the truth of it is that even the holliest or jolliest of us also have a few Yuletide custo...

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When a hipster cuts their finger, the only disinfectant they can abide is Retrosporin. Yeah, you get up early if you like worms. That’s weird, wanting to eat worms but you do you. I was not b...

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You’ll know you’ve had the correct amount of coffee when “Powerhouse” and “Holiday for Strings” are mashing up in your head perfectly. This parody of Bush’s “Everything Zen” about Zed from...

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. In my pocket, I found a wadded up note, in my own barely comprehensible scrawl that simply said “Meme Wars of A Geisha”. I have no idea where I was going with it but, when you’re me, every few ...

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You may be wondering why someone who has been alive for over seven-hundred years would be working in a cellphone customer service center, employ only slightly worse than mucking out the port-a-po...

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Why call it “the Hershey highway” when you can call it “the bottom line”? It’s actually kind of inspiring how all those brain eating amoebas got together to invent and market the netti pot. ...

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You remember when you walked out of a screening of THE PHANTOM MENACE & realized the auteur is a lie, singular genius is a lie, art comes from a combination of adversity, compromise & d...

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There’s probably, right now, a dude in England who sleeps around a lot nicknamed Randy Travis who doesn’t even know that there was a mediocre country singer in America who came by the name hone...

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Of course that conman on the History Channel thinks everything is aliens. He’s clearly one of the bird people from Babylon 5. A dating site where women can meet the emotionally-unavailable r...

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“Aim for the moon, even if you fail, you’ll still hit the stars” feels like victim blaming. We should be able to aim for, like, just a little bit down the street and be okay. This culture of Ac...

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Whenever someone shares a photo of one of their ancestors looking fine from the distant past, always reply “building a time machine so I can be your great / grand / mother / father”. It’s alway...

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