April 29 in Reflection’s

I recently remembered how after my father would hit me, and I would sometimes fall to the floor. He would ridicule me for what he considered over reacting. Yes, if somebody hits you, you roll with it. But the emotional impact can be worse than the physical blow. Telling me, oh I did not hit you that hard. But you did and it resonates inside me for years. It’s funny how it was terrifying but I just thought it was part of life because I didn’t know any better how other people were other families. I’ve realized I could never converse with my father on an equal level because he always saw me as being beneath him because a son is beneath the father. It has recently occurred to me that I was not a human being to him that I was something else. Oh well, how differently see things after they’ve happened.

Mondays are my big day to get out of the house and drive my car out to a shop for some food. I also do that terrifying walk to the mailbox down the street. Terrifying because that’s where all the bad news comes from. The stuff from the government. The court system or the IRS.

I went to get my mail and found much garbage littered about the central block of mailboxes at the mobile home park where I live. I got my mail or packages that were not for me, but put in my mailbox by mistake. I went to the rental office and asked them to take care of it for me and they were gracious enough to do it. Going past the mailboxes again, I noticed a worker trying to pick up the garbage. I stopped to help him and he said I didn’t have to, and I told him it’s the right thing for me to do so I do it.

There were three police cars in front of my house a little bit to the right. I watched them, but try not to look like a nosy bastard. I saw them walked down the street to another house at the end of the courtyard. OK, old man stop gawking. I was in a particularly good mood this morning. Someone else might call it deeply spiritual, but I just felt good. I only had $27 for the rest of the week so I got three items plus some potting soil from Aldi. I went across the street to Kroger got two items and talked to a woman. I often talk to. I like her a lot, but so many people so many women look at me like yes I’m an old person. Which seems like a disease to some people. Hopefully, you will get that disease someday if you live long enough. On the way out, I looked around and I saw him some handcarts simple little things for small amounts of groceries. Out of habit, I picked them up and dropped them off as I exited the store. I know it’s not my job. I’m not an employee there, but I saved somebody some work and it’s the right thing to do to me.

My girl bird Maxi is turning into a chicken and how she just sits around getting ready to lay eggs. She seems in constant pain I think or aggravation because she snaps at me when I go near her. I leave her special food as much good food as I can give her. The male bird buddy so touchingly harvest around her to care for her. I’ve tried to find ways to stop her cycle of laying eggs. I hate to see such anguish such pain. She has made me reflect on what human females go through. Females have it so much worse than men in so many ways. When I was young, I remember men laughing about women and their periods. You stupid fucks haven’t had to go through the shit any of them go through once a month. Oh yes, and later menopause. Men joke about that like it’s a form of mental illness and yet they have nothing to compare it to. I fear for my little bird that she will turn into a miniature chicken. It’s just sits around laying eggs all day. It makes me think of what chickens go through. What a hell of a life.

I am always grateful for rain because every day I read about places that have no water. Instead of complaining about a rainy day, I think people need to celebrate it as long as nothing‘s flooding. That is a totally different matter.

I’ve never paid so much attention to the weather as I do now. Not only my local, but the USA weather and other parts of the world. This year is expected to be hotter than last. I’m trying to lose weight so that I will not suffer so much from it.

I find it interesting and amusing. What other people find important in life. For example, what they are motivated to write about on this journaling site. Things like surveys are totally absurd to me. People use avatars little images and they can lie about anything they want so what does it have? If I’m curious about someone, I will simply ask them questions and they can shut up or tell me to fuck off. I have a Russian friend that I’m very curious about her marriage, but I don’t ask about the time she was married. I sent that it was a very painful time. I know it like to talk about something very painful to dig it out like some bleeding body part from your abdomen.

I’m beginning to oddly not think of myself as being as old as I used to think I was. This morning I got up, put on some tunes on my phone put on headphones went out on my front porch and found my feet moving to the music and me not giving a shit how foolish I might’ve looked to someone passing by. I felt good. I did not feel like I looked like old people of past generations looked. My shoulders do not slump, and I try to stand up straight. I tried to speak coherently, and when I stumble in speech, I make a joke of it because what the fuck don’t we all?

I was messaging with a friend tonight about how I have thought about my death occasionally but not obsessively. I have had a morbid contemplation at times curiosity wondering which sibling will die first? It’s a sick thought. I wonder if it will be me. I am trying to be as healthy as I can. Looking at foods with high antioxidant content. No ice cream in over a month. I got three large bottles of tart cherry juice because of their supposed health benefits. I poured a small cup and I offered it to my male bird buddy. He acted like it was the greatest thing in the world. It seemed he could not stop drinking the stuff. Later on the kitchen counter, I found a good reason to not give him anymore. The poor little bastard had a hell of a case of the tart cherry juice shits. Sorry, little guy.

Although I write much here, I find myself talking much less. In the past year, some people have dropped out of my life or I have decided not to converse with them. I think back at times on how my former boss was, and it amazes me how my life was filled with so much of his cruelty and bullying and after the factory closed, he wanted to be such a nice friendly person full of Goodwill. I remember how just being around him I felt the good and me being sucked out and his poison entering me. No dude, I need to detox and I have and it feels so good to not have any toxic people in my life.